And with a disdainful mind I realize that I am nothing more than a poor college student…
Busy, yet cautious of overloading what one would perceive to be a simple day-to-day drudge of being, the binary becomes evident between having a heavy workload and thinking I have a heavy workload. Although related in a sense, these two mindsets couldn’t be more opposite, and have a never-ending eroding effect on the brain in a daily life setting-one that couldn’t be more easily described then as a wonderful way to live-independent and intrusive, but by those who I choose to be around, and insightful in the way that a ball is to a puppy, which never succeeds this previous notion of understanding that falls into the category of: ignorant bliss.
Often I have been asked how my time is spent here in college, and for most I give the obvious earful of difficulties and expectations that is somehow bought by the masses of relatives and loved ones, who still, by the end of the conversation, have no idea exactly what it is that I’m doing here. But that may also raise the question whether I really know what I’m doing here, so in the integrating splice of intuitive reasoning and mere bullshit, I make sure that there is some sense of conclusive thought or mention of the fact that I “do college to better myself”, and whatever that may entail becomes the imaginative responsibility of the observer and is no longer my burden. Still, there is nothing that I can say other than what they want to hear, for when the time comes, in the mutual gathering of family, to tell of the stories and experiences gained over the previous semester’s fallacies, my reward becomes the very thing that grants me the ability to continue to exist in the altered realm of time that is college…the tuition check.
I never imagined that such power could come from the end of a ballpoint pen, a power that I won’t understand till later in life. Right now, only a fool would hand over wealth to someone who doesn’t know what wealth is, and my parents are quite aware of this, which is why I don’t see a dime of the money contributing to my education. If given the chance, I would follow the popular advice of the Steve Miller Band and “take the money and run.” Those people who know me would probably say different and although they are warranted in their thinking, I would say-“try me”. Laughter ensues, and by the time the din dies down their watery eyes open only to find an empty couch and a gaping front door, left with the astounded deliberation of whether they will ever hear from me again. The thought has crossed my mind, but I have no means to go anywhere, which brings me back to reality and I soon realize that it wasn’t a dream, it’s not a dream, and it isn’t worth dreaming about. I believe that dreams should be left to things that could actually become realities. Everyone works towards something in life that they may or may not ever attain, but the thought of getting that one thing that would seem to make it all worthwhile is motivation in itself. Each person’s dream is different, and some dreams are more realistic than others. It’s better to think that all dreams could come true, but that is never the case. The important thing to remember is that giving up on your dream is easier than actually getting it, and that my friends, is usually the case.
Most of what I’m expressing is overrated, only because I don’t know yet what the world has to offer me beyond the confining glow of my computer, but I strive through the day knowing that it will eventually end and another day will begin, and that somehow brings ease to my mind which seems to constantly be on the move; much more than I can say for my body. The world seems to be constantly moving, and just when I think I’m the last one standing, there is someone right behind me ready to get up. C’est la vie, as the French say, but I’ve been to France and most of them had their heads up their asses, so the vitality of that statement remains dormant in my “closet of cliché”, as I like to call it anyway. Beyond the tackiness of that previous statement, I would like to reiterate the fact that getting ahead of the game isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. If I’ve learned anything so far here at school, it’s that playing the game as it lays itself out is sometimes the best way to go. Many people, or students I should say, get off by putting themselves in impossible situations that, more often then not, lead to internal breakdown, which is the last thing you want during game play. For those of you who haven’t yet caught on to the metaphor, I’m talking about business vs. pleasure, education vs. socialization. One of the reasons why so many kids don’t make it through the first year is because they don’t get the fact that they are being tested. That’s what it comes down to. The University of blank, whatever State University, or “Hello Dolly” private college wants to know if you have the chichis to make it through freshman year, and they’re not going to sugar coat it like most of high school. Colleges will throw subtle hints that you need to rethink game plans like: academic probation, good-bye such-in-such scholarship, or sorry you are no longer attending our school, but those with half a brain in their head can look at people around them and pick out who isn’t coming back the following semester. It’s not hard to figure out.
Don’t get me wrong, I came pretty close to getting academic probation myself first semester in college, but I was also smart enough to realize that I couldn’t continue to do whatever it was that I was doing, and that I needed to start doing a lot more of whatever it was that I wasn’t doing. It didn’t take long for me to find that I could actually get stuff done and have fun at the same time. After expressing this to a couple of older friends, who I had become close to by second semester of my first year, they shook their heads as they saw me going through some of the same crap that they went through years before. Everyone has to experience it for themselves, there isn’t going to be someone to hold your hand; parents packed you up and dropped you off, and the only thing holding your head together is the thought of hundreds of thousands of other kids across the country going through the exact same thing…welcome to college.
Crazy to think that that was only two years ago…
